Sunday, December 05, 2004

Vauxhall / Kennington / Oval - an excellent place to live


Kennington - 'an excellent place to live'
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I recently registered my blog on a directory of London Blog sites …
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It's based on the interesting concept of sorting blogs by tube stations. Out of curiosity, I perused a few blogs based in my own area. Most were not to my own particular tastes but fairly innocuous. Then I found this one
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Having lived in or been associated with the area it covers all my life, I think it's hysterical; though the joke will certainly be lost on people not familiar with the locale.
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It opens with the line
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'The Vauxhall/Kennington area is an excellent place to live, with attractive parks, good local shopping, including lots of cafes and restaurants, and very good local transport:- Oxford Circus and Bank are both about 10 minutes by tube.'
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... underneath a picture of a view looking AWAY from the area. The site includes lists of interesting and fun places to visit, most of which, unsurprisingly, are located outside of the Kennington/ Oval/ Vauxhall. Surprisingly for such 'an excellent place to live', one page on the site does mention in passing that 'Lambeth and its neighbouring areas have a very high crime rate. You really do need to follow some basic rules or you will certainly become a victim very quickly. Conversely, however, you can live very safely in Lambeth as long as you do follow these rules which, although irksome at first, soon become second nature.' The page then gives some useful tips:
  • You will sharply increase your chances of getting mugged if you look well off and walk along a quiet street without being well aware of everyone nearby, and/or ...
  • wear expensive jewellery - and especially a rolex - and/or ...
  • use a mobile phone in the street without continually checking who is nearby.
  • You will certainly have your car broken into if leave anything (including an empty carrier bag) on show in a parked car.
  • And your house will be burgled - even during the day and even if you are inside - if you leave your house door on a Yale lock, or even better unlocked, and/or ... leave any ground or first floor window unlocked.
  • There is a chance of a violent reaction if you get angry with someone who annoys you, especially when driving.
Other useful snippets include …
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'Kennington Police (7326 1212) will certainly sympathise if you become a victim, but don't expect them to catch the criminal or get your property back.'
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'use the mortice lock all the time, even when you are in the house. But keep a spare key handy (out of site of the door) in case you have to open the door quickly, especially in case of fire.'
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'A number of local shops, pubs etc. display this (Safe Haven) sign. If you feel threatened in the street, dive into one of these premises and you will be protected and supported.'
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It's all 100% accurate and true.
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And this is from a guy who's attempting to write an upbeat account of the area.
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Speaking as a resident the darker side of my soul is quite gratified at the sight of people ignoring basic anti crime measures in our neighbourhood. Whenever we see a skimpily dressed woman chatting on her mobile phone walking down our street or a parked car with shopping bags in it, one of us will say to the other something like 'they'll get seen to first, not us'. Presumably gazelles drinking at crocodille-infested water holes have similar conversations whenever they see a particularly sick wilderbeest limping by.
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On the bright side, the author does play up on the fact that Charlie Chaplin used to live around here. Admittedly, Chaplin hated the place and left as soon as he could. However, the fact that one of the greats of the Silver Screen grew up here 90 years ago will undoubtedly be of enormous comfort to residents and passers-by when a group of hooded youths are robbing or raping them at knifepoint.
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I shouldn’t be too harsh on the author. He is trying, which is more than I am doing having giving up on the place five years ago, and I would feel awfully embarrassed if he came across my blog and wrote back to me criticising my comments. But he is onto a loser. There is no real sense of community about this place. Local residents hide behind their mortice locks and the sheer volume and diversity of migrants moving in, out and around the place means that nothing like the former sense of community can ever be re-established or stabilised. It's a pit and it's getting worse. Fair play to someone for wanting to believe otherwise but I stopped believing in Father Christmas, pixies and fairies years ago.
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